A tale of Mitchery

•June 3, 2010 • Leave a Comment

One of my favorite activities is making someone who is already pissed off EVEN MORE PISSED OFF, and holy hell am I good at it. Fortunately for me I’m usually in my car when I piss people off, so I get to avoid any physical confrontation by either driving away or running them over. So one day I’m driving home from the airport and, as I’m pulling up alongside a diesel truck, a car warps through a black hole or some shit and starts riding my ass. Yeah I guess I could have said he came out of nowhere, but my writing professor told me to shoot for the stars, white dwarfs? HELL NO, I’m talking red giants, Betelgeuse Bitch.

So this douchegoblin is hugging my rear, practically dry humping my Taurus with his little rusted-ass-ratbucket car, and I see him in my rear view mirror……. just seething. There’s something about seeing people start to rage that makes me giddier than a virgin prom date with a purse full of lube, especially if the person is pissed off about something trivial. Oh man its like bait for me. That guy was a fat juicy worm and I’m the bastard perch that devours everything but the hook, and now im laughing cause you have to force another hook up a worm’s ass. Slime and nightcrawler shit all over your fingers…. but you forgot to bring a towel so now you gotta wipe em off on the new Levis. Hahahahahaa, I couldnt cackle any more maniacally.

Back to the story, so seething douchegoblin is throwing a fit, flailing his arms around inside his ratbucket car, I see this and I am immediately provoked. I slow down a tad, the diesel truck starts to pass, douchegoblin changes lanes, I then speed back up which causes him to change lanes again and resume ass riding me. At this point I’ve had my fun, so I finally speed up enough to pass the diesel truck, the guy immediately guns it, swerves through lanes and passes me up but not before I give him the ole dirty digit. I hate the middle finger, I almost NEVER use it. In my opinion, its one of the most crude and trashy things you can do, but you have to respect its ability to piss a person off. So this pushes him over the edge and the look on his face was priceless. It was as if he just found out that I’m the guy who raped his wife and ate all his cheetohs, he was IRATE. So in his desperate attempt to retaliate, he pulls in front of me, rolls his window down, and violently shakes out his road coke all over my windshield. Oh man, if only he knew how hard I was laughing. All I had to do was turn on my wipers, while this guy, who is stewing in his own anger, is gonna have to stop at a 7/11 and purchase another big gulp.

Awesome day for Mitch, not so awesome for douchegoblin.


breaking beyond bitch barriers

•April 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’ve always been a perfectionist, the bad sort.  The sort that will half ass an effort after they realize their immaculate vision cannot come to fruition.  That is, if they haven’t already walked away from it.  This frustrates me beyond description however, I’m gonna try and pry my way out of this pathetic cage I incessantly fall into… starting with this blog.

I am already second guessing and doubting myself.  Control-shift-home Delete beckons, but tonight that bastard’s cries will fall upon deaf ears.

I have been told that I should write, ironically, one of the things I feel least confident in.  My grammar is often times atrocious, and my style can come across as sloppy or random.  However, I AM expressively creative, commonly humorous and every so often I surprise myself with a bit of dazzling wordplay.  So I’m giving this a go.  I am trudging forward through the mire of my own self doubt with reckless abandon, not just with writing, but with all my efforts.  I can only hope that whatever I leave in my wake will turn a couple heads, crack a few smiles, or inspire.

Hello world!

•March 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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